We have a wonderful daughter. I got pregnant directly on the first try. The pregnancy went without complications except for gestational diabetes and we were able to hold our little miracle in our arms in August 2020.
A burgeoning desire to have children
As easy and wonderful as this journey was, it became difficult with the growing desire for a second child. It took us a while as a couple until we were in agreement and really carried this second wish for a child together. My husband in particular took a few months longer than I did, which stressed me out quite a bit at first because I was no longer the youngest.
I always wanted to have children late, then when you have built a life, I have traveled a lot and really feel ready to fully commit to the new life as a mother. The fact that I had actually just turned 40 when my first daughter was born hadn't quite been my plan.
The first second attempt
So I was 41 years old when we started trying for a second child. This time it took a few cycles to actually get pregnant. We were overjoyed and, because of our first pregnancy and no experience of miscarriage, it didn't occur to us that something might go wrong.
The first weeks went by and I was doing really well. One evening, while I was playing on the sofa with my daughter, she kicked me hard in the abdomen. I was totally shocked, but quickly pushed the thought of a possible problem to one side. After all, at this time the little bump was supposed to be swimming well protected in its amniotic cavity. At the next check-up, however, the ultrasound showed an intact amniotic cavity with embryo and beating heart, but also an unbelievably huge hematoma in my uterus. My gynecologist couldn't say for sure whether this was really due to my daughter's kick or to other, many possible reasons. She was very worried and prepared me a little for the fact that this could mean that this child might come off with the bleeding of the haematoma. She prescribed me progesterone capsules to take vaginally to support and maintain the pregnancy. At this time I was in week 9. Unfortunately, only a few days later I started bleeding heavily. I had bad contractions and couldn't leave the bathroom or toilet for hours because of the heavy bleeding. Besides a lot of liquid blood, unbelievably large pieces of tissue came out of me, I was sure I had lost my second child in those hours. The next day I went to my gynecologist for a check-up and to everyone's amazement she found the amniotic cavity still intact and a beating heart. We all couldn't believe it. Unfortunately, this great happiness only lasted a few hours, then the next violent cramps set in and this time I really lost this child. That was in June 2022 and I was to continue bleeding for another 64 days. It was grueling and frustrating. It took both my body and soul a few cycles to recover from it.
Autumn 2022
In my opinion, ultra early tests are both a curse and a blessing. It wasn't until I had my own miscarriage that I started to look more closely at this issue. At first I felt completely alone, as if I were the only woman to whom this had ever happened. It was only when I gradually opened myself up and started talking to selected people about what had happened to me that I realized I was not alone. In my environment there was also the experience of miscarriages or unfulfilled wishes for children with or without a diagnosis. I did a lot of research on the subject and read statistics, testimonials and medical articles. What remains is often the question why? Why me or us? Why my body? What is the reason for me? And just as often, this question remains unanswered because medicine cannot say for sure. This is exactly what happened to me again in autumn 2022. I got pregnant two more times, both times I tested very early so that we could be cautiously happy both times. But both babies went on the same day as my next period. If I hadn't tested, I wouldn't have noticed either pregnancy. A curse and a blessing. Medical science again had no answer to the question of why. Often there would be a chromosomal defect and nature would select itself. Natural selection, so to speak. And, of course, always and at all times the reference to my age.
Cycle check and the great hope
The next few cycles I deliberately avoided any early pregnancy test and always got my next period on time. In the spring of 2023, we couldn't stand it any longer and wanted answers. Could I still get pregnant, is everything OK with my body? We talked to my gynecologist and she decided to do a cycle check and follicle measurement. This involves monitoring the maturation of the follicles until ovulation to see if everything is OK. The hormones are then tested in the second half of the cycle. My results of this cycle were disastrous. My best follicle was initially far too small to be able to jump reasonably mature, but then suddenly exploded in size and maturation to still jump on time on the calculated day. Strange but okay. My hormones, however, were absolutely hostile. My gynecologist called me with the results and told me I had luteal insufficiency. My corpus luteum produced far too few hormones after ovulation, which meant that my progesterone and estrogen levels were completely underground and under no circumstances could a fertilized egg have implanted or a pregnancy have been maintained or established. In retrospect, we suspect that the luteal insufficiency was also the reason for the early terminations of pregnancies three and four in autumn 2022.
As my ovulation was fine in itself, she prescribed me progesterone tablets for the second half of the cycle. In the next cycle, the follicle measurement showed perfect follicle maturation and a mathematically punctual ovulation. I started taking the progesterone capsules vaginally two days later and tested positive on the day my regular period should have started. We were so happy on one hand and full of anxiety and worry on the other. We decided to take it one day at a time and let it all come to us as best we could. The first blood test in SSW 5 showed a good hormone level thanks to the continued intake of the progesterone capsules Utrogest Luteal. In SWW 7 we were able to see the amniotic cavity and the little beating heart in the ultrasound. My pregnancy symptoms increased with each day. Especially due to the progesterone tablets, I was more tired than I had ever been in my life. It was such a leading, unmanageable tiredness that for weeks my day usually ended shortly after midday or in the afternoon and I just slept. Then there was the nausea. Fortunately, I didn't throw up once, but I was almost constantly nauseous or really sick from morning to night. And yet we took everything as a good sign. We celebrated every little symptom internally and feeling continued to feel our way from day to day, from week to week, in order to somehow get through the critical phase until week 12. My gut got better every day and I became more confident every day and felt more and more secure with this pregnancy until its abrupt end.
At 10+4 in SWW 11, a check-up ultrasound showed no more heartbeat. In addition, our baby was far too small, more like week 8 in size, so our gynecologist suspected that this little creature had already died in my belly two weeks earlier. From one moment to the next everything was over and even before getting over the first shock we had to deal with the question: What now? Option 1: Wait for my body to check on its own that the pregnancy is not intact and let the baby go. However, no one could tell me how long that would take, weeks are possible and I could not have lasted that long with my dead child in my belly.
The decision had to be made between the other two options: Cytotec tablets and letting my baby go again at home on the toilet with cramps and pain, or a suction curettage under general anesthesia. Both a nightmare and ultimately at this point the surgery felt a tiny bit better and safer for me. I didn't want to take the risk of possibly not getting everything out with the tablets and having to repeat the procedure or having to have the operation in the end. The operation took place two days after the ultrasound with negative heart activity and I am glad that it happened so quickly and that almost everyone in the hospital took really good care of me. Nevertheless, this journey has cost me an infinite amount of strength and many tears. Unfortunately, there was no bed for me in the prepartum ward, so I was placed in the labor ward, just a few meters away from the room where our daughter was born almost three years ago. Sometimes life really is just a bad joke.
The why and what happens next
Again, the question of why remains. Why did this little heart stop beating? Were the hormones not enough after all? What is a chromosomal defect? Is there something wrong with my body, my metabolism or my sugar metabolism? No one can give us a definitive answer at the moment.
What is certain for us is that we don't want to give up our wish for a second child. We want to keep trying.
First of all, we will have both of our heads examined medically, we will have a chromosome analysis carried out on the advice of the doctors and clarify everything that needs to be clarified. And apart from that, I guess in the end you have to hope and trust in nature - even at 41, soon to be 42, years old - fuck it.
In any case, it is important for me to take good care of my soul, to allow feelings and to talk about what happened to me and how I feel. I want to share my experience and make it public, because it has helped me a lot myself to read about affected women and their stories. And I will still always take the right to say that I don't want to talk about this topic right now (with this person). It is also important to accept the feelings of affected women and couples. There is nothing worse than the sentence: "Just try again", because every small or silent birth is first a loss and may and must be accepted and processed as such.
I process many of my feelings in my art, which is a good way for me. My stars are symbolically buried in our garden, which was very important for me in my healing process. And hopefully one day we will be able to play in this garden with our two healthy children.